I sat here in the dim light looking at your beautiful peaceful face tonight. I was thinking about how I used to be so scared of your tiny little body. I was scared that I could move wrong and break you. You used to be so tiny that I could rest you on my arm, but now here you lay, using one of my arms as a pillow and your legs hanging over the arm of the rocking chair. I watch you breath in and out peacefully with just small highlights rounding around your cheeks and little nose.
I keep rocking back and forth wondering how many more nights am I going to have like this? Sure, there are times I cannot wait to lay you down to bed and have some alone time, but then there’s moments like this where I stay and sit just a little bit longer. You see, you don’t know it yet but the day is coming very soon where you will grow just a little more. Our nursing journey is coming to an end. I’ve been starting to tell you my milk is going bad soon and I chuckle every time you look at me with those big eyes and shake your little head to tell me no.
I fear these coming days that I will have to fight you to become the big girl that I know you can be. I fear the tears that I know are coming. Tears that are not only hurting you as you don’t understand but they will hurt me too because this is something that has to be done.
Life changed so rapidly when you came that Christmas Eve almost two years ago during that afternoon. All the things I thought I knew seemed to fly right out the door. Those first nights we would cry together as you would try to nurse and I’d be in so much pain. I was just trying to figure out how to get you to latch correctly, and you were just hungry. Every day I felt like I was failing you, but I didn’t give up. Eventually we found our rhythm and learned from each other.
Back then I wondered why people referred to nursing as a bonding time because it sure didn’t feel like it to me. But now as we near two years, I look forward to those times that I get to just rock back and forth looking at your perfect face.
I’m so sorry I’m going to have to do this to you my sweet baby girl, but trust me when I say that I know you can do it. Trust me when I say that I am still always here for you when you need me. I will be there when you go to sleep and be there when you wake up in the middle of the night. I promise that I love you even if you don’t understand what I’m doing.
Know that I look forward to when these weaning days are done so we can get back to our nightly cuddles that aren’t covered in tears. I know this is going to be hard on you, but trust me when I say it’s going to be hard on me too.
I just need you to know that I love you always and that I am so thankful to have you in my life. I’m so thankful to have been able to have this bond with you that I didn’t even know how much it would mean to me until we reached the end. Having you in my life has made my heart grow even more than I ever thought possible. Thank you for continuously teaching me in those quiet moments when the hardships of the day seemed to just melt away as you fell asleep.
I hope you don’t mind if I rock you just a few more minutes before laying you to bed.
I love you so much my baby girl. Sweet dreams…